Jedi are Jokes - Episode II

For today's installment of Stupid Science Fiction, I'm going to examine the primary weapon of Jedi in the Star Wars universe: the lightsaber.

From the official Star Wars pages:

The lightsaber is the weapon of a Jedi, an elegant armament of a more civilized time. In comparison, blasters are crude, inaccurate and loud affairs. To carry a lightsaber is an example of incredible skill and confidence, dexterity and attunement to the Force.

To that I say, "Rubbish and balderdash!"

To George's credit, he did create something rather innovative that proved to be a central prop to his stories, but what it gains in romantic adventure it loses in any kind of real credibility even in a fantasy setting.

OK, so you've got this sword thingy, that's about 3 feet of pure energy that can cut through anything except another lightsaber (convenient if you want to write stories about futuristic sword battles). Disregarding the science, it's a neat idea, but for other than flashy sword battles on a movie set they would prove to be useless.

If there's anything at all that human history has taught us it's that the best way to hurt your opponent is from far away where he can't hurt you. It didn't take early man very long to realize it was more effective to use a long stick over his bare fists. Spears could keep your opponent at a distance or could even be thrown at your enemy or prey. The advent of the bow and arrow proved that one could attack your enemy from a great distance. The invention of gunpowder changed war forever such that hand to hand combat is a last act of desperation. The U.S. Marines consider marksmanship the best skill a soldier can have in spite of their rigorous physical training. Fast forward to the "future" and we now have beam weapons that shoot enormous bolts of energy from extreme ranges. So why would a Jedi choose a weapon that limits his ability to attack within a cone of 3 ft. past his reach? And why just 3 ft.? Really, does that seem at all practical? In the above quote, they imply that blasters are crude and inaccurate, but I would imagine that any blaster that shoots a beam of energy unaffected by gravity, wind, or other environmental factors would be very accurate and deadly even at very long ranges. Samurai swords are elegant, but I'd still take a rusted .38 special over a sword any day.

"But Jedi have Force powers that can block blasters!", you say. So-freaking-what. While it's marvelous that a Jedi can perform such a feat, unless he can close the distance to his opponent quickly, he's a sitting duck. Even as the movies show, a Jedi can't block every single shot coming his way every time and eventually he'll be the casualty that proves the statistic that Jedi only block 99.5% of blaster attacks. A Jedi's only option is to flee or to attack his opponent to take away the advantage of range. The scene in Episode III where Jedi are mowed down by laser-spewing robots is a prime example. The Jedi might have a decent chance in a one-on-one situation at close range, but give his opponent some distance and a fast firing weapon and the Jedi is toast. So why don't Jedi use guns or blasters? That's arrogantly stupid.

But supposing that Jedi have these superhuman reflexes that seem clairvoyant such that they can block high speed projectiles without blinking. What does that say about lightsaber battles? When two Jedi face each other, it must be like fighting in slow motion. If you've got the skills to dodge lasers, how easy is it to defend against a slow moving lightsaber? It almost seems ridiculous that Jedi could ever defeat each other at all. In the movies, some of these fights last for 10 to 15 minutes using dramatic swordplay. It really makes me think that Jedi are stupid because they're not really trying to hit each other, because they move like molasses compared to their ability to block fast-moving projectiles.

Which leads me to the topic of the swordplay itself. The movies borrow heavily from traditional swordplay styles such as kendo. The problem with this is that lightsabers are pure energy and will cut through anything, and since they are just energy would weigh no more than the handle/hilt part of the sword. Yet Jedi are seen swinging them like they were broadswords or samurai swords. Which is stupid because if you have a weapon of pure energy it doesn't require a forceful blow to injure your opponent or severe a limb. No, you simply have to touch him with any part of the blade and you instantly wound and cripple him. All the wild slashing you see is nonsense when your only goal should be to simply touch your opponent with the blade, similar to fencing. Using traditional swordplay would get you killed in a hurry because you're misapplying the best advantage of the lightsaber. I would imagine that if lightsabers were real, the fighting style would be such that the opponents would fence so quickly that most confrontations would be resolved in mere seconds. It would only take one subtle move past your opponents defenses to kill him rather quickly. To fight ad-nauseum blocking blow after blow when a single flip of the wrist would end the battle - well, that's just stupid science fiction.

For fun, I'm including a link to an article from a swordplay expert who was asked for input on how to improve lightsaber battles in fan movies. He had many of the same criticisms I did, and explains it much better. Definitely worth a read before you flame me about criticising lightsabers in Star Wars.

Lightsabers on TheForce.net